Tag: life

A little expansion on Ex

3 Comments

I wrote a post with some details about my most recent relationship. It ended two years ago this May, but how can something really end when there’s no closure? Or, there NEVER will be closure.

Maybe I’ll find some by sharing some of my journey. I never did because I didn’t want/don’t want to villainize anyone. Break ups happen. First loves don’t work out. Life is messy.

But it’s such a H-U-G-E part of me and my life that it feels like a secret–one I don’t want to keep anymore. You guys (*waves at first, early readers*) have been reading my books since TAKE THE REINS came onto the scene in May 2009. That’s seven years! SEVEN! I was in a relationship with Ex for almost that entire time–it was this part of my life that few know about it. It’s not something I want to duck and cover from anymore. I’m living with a LOT of secrets–some that I’ve made public and others are private–and all I want is to get this off my chest. To move on.

I started seeing someone in November 2009 and was head over heels in love before I could blink. So was Ex. I’d made the move to NYC to escape some things, live in a big city, and to be closer to Ex.

Romance wasn’t something we sought out or meant to happen–it just did. I stood in the garden late one night and asked if I could kiss Ex. We were at our favorite after work bar and Ex had just gotten back to Brooklyn from another day in publishing. Ex said yes and that was that. If we had been inseparable before, we were crazy inseparable now.

I rode the F train 45 minutes almost every day to Ex’s publishing house to have lunch and we would ride home together. Sometimes to my place, sometimes to Ex’s. If we weren’t together, we were G-chatting, BlackBerry messaging or on the phone. I couldn’t see Ex enough and it was very true that at the time, Ex felt the same.

But since this is obviously a break up story, Ex’s feelings changed . . .

And, with that, I want to spill another secret: I’m fictionalizing the story for a new YA! It has been good therapy to write it and I can’t wait to share it with you. #nomoresecrets ❤

xo

Let’s be honest

10 Comments

Kind of dealing with a lot right now.

Jay, my 24-year old brother, was diagnosed with cancer or leukemia last week. He is awaiting blood test results and is having surgery tomorrow morning to remove the infected lymph nodes in his neck.

My aunt suffered a massive heart attack and was blue before she reached the hospital.

The first person that I wanted to call was my ex. But I can’t. Because of a break up. And a move to Baltimore without telling me. Leaving me in Brooklyn. And a million other reasons why. I want to smash glasses and cry at the same time. This was a person I was going to marry and spend my life with. We talked about 2.5 kids. A house. Growing old together. The picket white fence. We were together for four years. We were best friends and more. But I never talked about it. I wanted to keep up my professional appearance. But I’ve realized my Harts love me for being ME, not some version that I *think* they want to see.

I loved this person with everything I had. And I was left behind without explanation. Without closure. Two years later–this May–and I still don’t have it. I don’t want it anymore. I just want Ex to know that during a time like this that phone number is the one I still reach for first. I mean, it’s probably disconnected, right?

Then I remember. It makes me fall to my knees with pain. And feel like I can’t breathe or function. And I’m angry and sad and missing Ex all at the same time. It’s infuriating. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to care. Or need Ex. I want to be filled with rage. And hate. But I’m not. Most of the time.

Because of Ex, I’ll never trust anyone again. Ha, right? No, seriously, I’m getting TRUST NO ONE tattooed on my arm soon.

The relationship was four years of my life that I gave everything I had. I wouldn’t change a thing I did. I don’t know what I did wrong. What I said wrong. What I did that made Ex leave. Literally and figuratively. Imagine finding out from Twitter that your then-significant other has moved to Baltimore from NYC. And you go to the house, pounding on the door until your hand bleeds. And no one is there. You’re screaming in the streets of Brooklyn and there’s no one to hear you. All communication is cut off. The ONE thing this person promised they would never do they’ve done–they’ve up and left you in the middle of the night. Twitter = blocked. Instagram = blocked. Email = likely blocked. Phone calls = never happen. Flowerly lovely conversation are gone. Texts of “I love you and you’re all I think about” cease from formal “I wish you the best” to nothing.

I don’t want my Harts to think my life is perfect. That I’m living the Author Dream. I am–in a way–but there are many, many dark parts in my past and present. It’s just life.

If Ex emailed me today, I know what I would say. But that won’t happen. Instead, I have to draw strength from those who care about me.

xo