I’m trying to be a lot more open about my mental health recently, especially since I am editing a mental health anthology, SIDE EFFECTS, for Simon Pulse.

I hit a milestone today: something I consider the biggest accomplishment of my LIFE.

I am 10 days clean from Xanax. 

I started taking the drug in 2009 and that means I was on it for seven and a half years. 7 and 1/2.

The short and long-term effects are serious.

The worst for me? Short term memory loss.

Imagine writing a 20 book series covering thousands of pages and not being able to remember so many details that you have to keep copious notes.

Imagine tripping in Havaianas because your balance is so off that you trip over nothing.

Imagine not being able to remember things that may have happened only hours before.

Imagine the embarrassment of people having to tell you stuff not twice, but three or four times because you keep forgetting.

Imagine (in the first few years) the drug making you so sleepy that Diet Coke and coffee don’t help. You turn to stimulants like Adderall to even wake up in the morning.

Imagine starting at .5 milligrams and over time developing a tolerance, which is a natural occurrence. Soon, you’re up to 6 mgs a day at the very least. Some days, the bad ones, you take up to 24 mgs. That amount should take down an elephant. But I was addicted and I had a high tolerance.

I was a functioning prescription drug addict. All of my Xanax came from a doctor (a real live psychiatrist!) from Central Park South. He took my money and in return kept feeding my habit.

And you’re mixing it with alcohol* to help dull the white hot poker feeling of panic.

I’m now on Valium and my doctor from Vanderbilt in Nashville is amazing. He saved my life. This addiction would have eventually killed me. And I’m only 29.

I’m on a Valium taper meaning I’m on a similar drug but one with far fewer side effects. I’ll be weaning down over time until I’m off it completely. I can’t wait for that day, but it will take time.

Please, please, if anything I’ve EVER said resonates with you–do NOT take Xanax. Take anything but Xanax. It is a nearly impossible drug to kick.

All spring, I’d thought I was going to have to go to rehab for 30-90 days to get clean from Xanax because I didn’t think I could do it at home. But I did. And I’ll never touch those evil pills again. Ever.

If you’re struggling, you can always email me at hartsforjess AT gmail DOT com.

I love you all. I hope you’re proud of me. 🙂

*Mixing Xanax or other benzodiazepines can lead to DEATH. Please do NOT EVER, EVER do this.